Just like the title says. No warning, nothing, just "Will you go out with me?" Apparently, he remembered the date that we set nearly a month ago, that date was today. So when I went over his house, I thought it was just going to be a normal Casey and Kyle hangout... just friends, and nothing more. So, as you can imagine, I was quite taken aback. I responded with the brilliant "Uh... I gotta go. Bye.", and then I left.

I feel awful, but I didn't know what else to do. I mean, Kyle and I had sort of a thing about a month ago... but that ended. I knew that he still liked me, but we agreed that we were going to be just friends, and nothing more. He is a great guy, and yeah, he's a sweetheart because he was there for me when I needed people the most. But, I honestly don't think that I see him like that. I mean, granted, I did sort of like him for a few months, but we both liked other people.... still do, and things just made it so complicated. I don't really want a "closed" relationship right now, obviously... otherwise I would be in a different situation, I can imagine. Obviously, this is all so sudden.

Yet again, some of my friends are suggesting that I "give it a shot" because something good might come out of it. And, I don't want to hurt him. Yes, he has been a huge ass lately, but he said it was just because he was frustrated that he still liked me... so he just decided to go with it and ask me out. I don't think I see him that way... I honestly don't. I think I'm going to say no, but I don't want to make him upset. Shit... any advice?

And to make things even BETTER, I was just informed that something untrue was spread around, and now people might be pissed at me. Fantastic.

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Bedroom
How I'm Feeling: blah
Listening to: None.

 So, here's an update:

It turns out that my source was not credible, and the thing that I was slightly freaking out about in my last entry turned out to be just bullshit, as expected. I have decided that I am going to start trying to control my freakishly paranoid ways, because the same thing always happens: First, I take a situation and completely make it something that it's not - something bad that causes me to freak out. Then, I usually rant to my friends about it, and they tell me to shut up because I'm being ridiculous. After that,  I still freak out but then I feel bad about freaking out because I am told that I shouldn't. Then, the situation gets better and I am usually proved wrong, at which point... it's rubbed in my face. *cough* CLABORN *cough* :P So, needless to say.. I'm going to try to control that stuff.

Andy (Anime Boston kid) called me and wanted to know if I wanted to get together sometime this week. He's cute and he's nice, but I don't really see a connection, and I'm not really into the whole "closed relationship" right now. I still have massive trust issues that I need to work out.

Kyle has been being an ass lately, and I'm sick of it. He seems to think that because he was there for me during my 4-month "dilemma", that he now has the right to walk all over me. He is trying to convince me that I have major commitment issues because I don't want to be HIS girlfriend right now. So finally, I lost it... I blew up at him and told him that just because I don't want a boyfriend right this fucking second, it doesn't mean that I have commitment issues. Once he stops being a jackass, maybe we can continue the friendship thing, but that's just unacceptable.

I think I have figured out what my tattoo is going to be.. now I just have to go through with it. Though, Kyle did tell me that he would stop speaking to me if I got one because he's Jewish. But, I figured, if he were really my friend and really cared about me (like he said), then he wouldn't do anything. So now it's just me mustering up the courage to do it... ho boy.

I still have not decided between Roberts and Riv yet. I know, I rock. It's just a difficult decision. They both have good and bad things about them.

If I go to Roberts:
~ I'll have a free apartment with one of my closest friends.
~ I'll be closer to my loves in NY and PA and won't have to spend tons of money just to visit them.
~ I'll be back home in NY where the Patriots fans don't spit at my feet!
~ I'll definitely be getting the "college" experience by being nearly 8 hours away from my parents.
~ Um, FREE apartment.

If I go to Riv:
~ I'll be closer to my loves in NH and Mass, and I'll be closer to my family, who I adore.
~ I'll be in the dorms I wanted to be in, and I'll actually get to know more people through my roomie.
~ I'll be getting more scholarship money than I would at Roberts.
~ I'll be going staying at the college that has the top Nursing program in the state, which is pretty cool.
~ I could still visit my puppy.
~ Mommy does laundry. :P

So it's such a TOUGH decision, but I have until the end of July to figure everything out... so hopefully, the decision will get easier as time progresses.

Other than that, everything is fab! Going to a party tomorrow, may mall it up with my sister, and then beach trip with peoples soon? AND everything is fixed, with everything off of my shoulders. So, at this moment (since I don't know what I'll be complaining about in the near future), life is good.

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Big bed!
How I'm Feeling: giggly
Listening to: Aaron Carter - Crush on you!

 First and foremost, I must congratulate all the seniors that graduated last night.... especially one in particular :) It's a good feeling, hell, it's one of the best. But, some of you might actually miss high school once you head off to college, I know I do.

Now it's the +\- thing!

+ I saw Keith, Sarah and Ken  yesterday and I haven't seen them in what seems like years.
++ After graduation, we went to visit Mark, then out for ice cream!!
+ Went to go visit Brandon after that...
 - Someone stupid called me and made me angry, but that didn't last long.
+++ Spent some time with my boys for the first time in nearly forever!! I forgot how much I missed that.
--- Brandon's probably moving soon, and it's very depressing.
+ Hot tub!
++ Mark and I picked out a chick-flick, and we watched it, and it was just... glorious.
?? Massive man orgy on the futon, I'm not sure how I felt about that. :P
+ Funniest text message in the world! Thank you for that.
-- You are so confusing. Don't get mad at me, it's not MY fault that you feel that way.

Overall, absolutely amazing night! Buttt, must kidnap teh boys more often, especially before Brandon leaves.

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Floor
How I'm Feeling: content
Listening to: I hate everything about you - Three Days Grace

 The absolutely delicious man in my icon won the MTV Movie Award for "Best Performance", and Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest won the MTV Movie Award for "Best Movie." This meant that Mr. Depp graced the stage with his presence twice! My sister literally had to come into the family room and yell at me to shut up because I was on the couch screaming my head off....

Hi, I'm Casey, and I have a slight obsession with Johnny Depp.

But, with all due respect for Johnny, I think that the men I crush on and can actually see in person, are hotter.
And Andrew is convinced that I have a crush on Trevor, it's amusing.

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Bedroom!
How I'm Feeling: In the mood (couldn't resist!)
Listening to: "Better Off Alone" - Yes, I know Trevor sings it, but it's a good fucking song!!

I love Maroon 5... so much.

Okay, here's an update. I went to the mall yesterday with people, yeah... it was exciting. We made a mandatory stop in Victoria's Secret, because I needed new underwear, of course. And, I bought the cutest fucking shirt at Urban Behavior for 5 BUCKS! I love sales.

But one of my close friends blew up at me, one that NEVER gets mad. And the worst part, he did it for no good reason... he even said it himself. I was just "there", but needless to say, I was pissed. He has been getting on my nerves lately, staring with giving a guy I just met permission to kiss me - he knew what was going on with Kyle! So, yeah, he's just been getting on my last nerve. I don't know what I am going to do. All the drama in that group of friends has just been driving me nuts lately - I don't know how much more I can take being caught in the middle, as a lot of my other friends are. I guess we'll see what happens.

Other than that, life's been peachy. Last night after the mall was alright, so I felt a little better... and then I spent some quality time with the sister, which is always a good time.

Now, regarding the Riv vs. Roberts situation... haha. I have been asking nearly every single one of my friends for an input on what I should do. Not surprisingly, the ones who are closer to NY say I should go to Roberts, and the ones who are closer to NH say I should stay at Riv. So, friends, leave opinions... please! :)

Okay, now back to talking to Mark, my "I feel disgusting and I need a hot, sweet guy to tell me I'm being silly" guy. What would I do without him? :P

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Laying on the floor.
How I'm Feeling: energetic
Listening to: Chariot - Gavin Degraw (One of the greatest songs of all time)

I'm honestly not supposed to feel this way. I shouldn't anymore and the fact that I'm even the tiniest bit upset infuriates me to a point where I think I am going to lose my mind. I thought I had gotten over this, I mean... I DID get over this. So why do I feel like this?

I have no reason to. In fact, I love proving the fact that I was/am right over and over again, but yet.. somehow, knowing what's in store upsets me. I have to make time count. I have to do everything I can to take advantage of it, before I lose it completely.

To tell, or not to tell? On the ONE hand... I'd have the weight lifted off my shoulders and I would no longer feel guilty about keeping something from some of the people that I trust; yet, on the OTHER hand.... I fear that telling them would only make them angry with me, especially for keeping it a secret for so long, and I fear that others will find out... people that just, shouldn't.

How am I going to make a decision? To tell, or not to tell?

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Bedroom
How I'm Feeling: blah
Listening to: The Sweet Escape

 Okay, update time. Um... let's see.
 - Loving summer, and now that nearly everybody's home things are gonna be sweet!!
 - We hired a new guy at Bee's, and he goes to Riv, so I met him before... but he's cool and really nice, I think he'll fit in with us crazies at Bee's!
 - Arnold FUCKING Soko, coolest kid ever, invited me to this ball/party thinger, and I kind of want to go... but we have to bring a date. Yeah, complicated, no? I was debating asking someone, but I'm also a chicken, and I'm afraid it would be awkward... yay.
 - I'm scared that things will never be the same.
 - Talked to someone about something yesterday, and it made me cry... which is weird and makes me even more upset because it happened nearly 3 months ago. I guess I haven't completely gotten over it, which makes me scared that I never will.
- I'm scared that this whole thing is just a waste of time.
- I'm stuck with a decision about schools... and it's seriously really difficult. Do I stay near my friends or do I go to a school that's nearly 8 hours away because they offered me more money? Decisions, decisions...
- Keeping this a secret from the ones that I care about that don't know has been torture... but I am scared to tell anyone else because I'm afraid they won't talk to me.
- If she takes him I think I am going to lose it.
- I have not yet been to the beach with my friends, and there is something very wrong with that.

Yeah, that's basically about it.

Live ~ Laugh ~ Love

Where Am I?: Bedroom
How I'm Feeling: Ehh....
Listening to: Grace Kelly

 Yeah, I rarely write in this thing two days in row, but what the hell?

So, I had to get up relatively early which is never fun but it was worth it because I got to go see Rachael Claborn do amazing on her Senior Project presentation (just like we all knew she would). I picked up Mark and Andrew beforehand, and she was wicked nervous... but it was cute, and she did well. Congrats Claborn!

Not only that, but it was great to see teh boys! I haven't seen Mark in the longest time, and he was playing music in the car on the way to the school that was making me laugh so hard that I couldn't even breathe. And, he was being all sweet, as usual... I love Mark, my life would be incomplete without him. And of course, I love Andrew too. :)

One of the best parts of the day was that I actually got to see the other Casey for the first time in like, 8 months... which was amazing but insane. I had nearly forgotten how funny he was, and he was making me laugh the entire day talking about... basically everything. So, I had a sweet Mark, a silly Andrew, and a funny Casey to keep me entertained at Souhegan. Gotta love it!

AND Pirates comes out tomorrow!! I can't wait!! Yeah, that's it for now.

Much love. <3

Where Am I?: Bedroom
How I'm Feeling: bouncy
Listening to: Hinder - LIps of an Angel

 I'll be a cool kid and do the whole pluses and minuses thing.

+ Love love my job to death, and most of the people who work there - and I get tipped out, and I'm a host, so I love it.
- Smith (random weird kid who kissed me a week ago) keeps leaving me messages on Facebook and shit even though he knows I don't have any interest in him.
++++ LOVING summertimeeee!
+/- Things seem to be going well and could get even better, but because I'm me, I'm paranoid that I'm going to be disappointed again.
++ PIRATES COMES OUT IN 2 DAYS!!!
+ Claborn's senior project is tomorrow and I'm stealing Mark and Andrew and we're all going to go see it... and she's going to do amazing!
- Kyle and I fight because I don't trust him, and I actually think that he and I would be a lot better off as friends.
+ I got into Roberts Wesleyan! So, if I want to transfer, I actually can now... but still debating because it's far away.
- My feet are asleep and it's annoying.
++ Chelsea stopped being a doof and finally realized what would be the best choice for me.
 
So overall, not too bad... just a few little things I need to work out, and things that will hopefully work out as they seem to - yay paranoia!

Much love <3

Where Am I?: Big bed!
How I'm Feeling: curious
Listening to: Augustana - Boston (MY song)

 Man, I love my job! :)

So, we had a meeting today at 8:30 in the morning, which was just gross, but it was rather entertaining. My friend Cassie was wicked trashed throughout the entire meeting, and at one point, she actually got up on a bar stool and started singing "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys. Sooo funny! I love the Bee's crew, they're all amazing.

So, so far the summer has gone pretty well. It is so nice to be able to sleep in and not have to get up at 6:30 in the morning... but, the crappy weather hasn't been enlightening. Regarding my confusion, well... it continues. Being the chicken that I am, I have absolutely no idea what I am going to do about everything - and every time I think about it, I just get more and more wrapped up. :P I guess I am just good like that.

People just need to acknowledge that I'm different....

Much love. <3

Where Am I?: Bedroom
How I'm Feeling: restless
Listening to: Through the Wire - Kanye West